If Facebook is the Roman Empire, Is My Grandma Alaric?

Pictured: Mark Zuckerberg.

Pictured: Mark Zuckerberg.

Ever since Facebook became cool around 2006, there’s been a glut of social media networks trying to swim profitably in its wake. Now Facebook is dying, and new networks are rising in what soon over the next few years could be a tumultuous and anarchical life for the online socially inclined. Who is the new Rome in this chaos caused by Facebook’s gradual decline? And, as a hipster, how do you realize who this new Caesar is early on so you can be disenchanted with it after it, “totally sold out,” and became popular? Why am I using ridiculous analogies to explain remarkably simple concepts? For the answers to these questions and more, continue reading this humorous* article for free.
*Humor sold separately.

When considering this new arena of social media (assuming the entire world hasn’t collapsed into a 24/7 reenactment of Mad Max from the gaping societal hole Facebook’s death created), there are numerous other options or, “personal brands,” as the marketing majors might say, you can employ.

1. The Soloist: Pick one outlet, be it Twitter, Instagram, whatever. It doesn’t matter if it’s mainstream; just hold a haughty devotional superiority to it and the result will be the same.

2. The Classic Hipster: Keep up a small scale Instagram account, and continually float around with Google+, Whyd, and whatever else no one uses. Be sure to complain about every Instagram update for weeks afterwards.

3. The Writer: Medium is a new platform for longer pieces of writing, set to be shared and read around the world. Disclaimer: Account does not come with pipe, whiskey or Hemingway beard.

4. The Extreme Hipster: Social Media? Over it.

5. The Ironicist: First of all, if that’s not a word it really should be.  Second of all, there is no second thing. Third of all, if none of these interests you, don’t worry. In a few years, when Facebook (Rome, for those of you following the analogy at home) loses the mainstream’s affection, having one would be cool in “like, an ironic way.” Supplement your sardonic diet with a MySpace account, maybe make yourself a Homepage, and be sure to silence your pager during movies.

Have more niches the disillusioned Facebook user can fulfill instead? Comment and help your Brother in Irony out, and also me by fabricating the illusion of an insightful post by maintaing a creative discussion.

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