Lots of people have iPhones, including you. But you’re not part of that mainstream consumerist culture! So what that you waited hours in line for its release — you were there ironically. Then how do you prove to the world your iPhone is an extension of your personality and not that of a predetermined boxed corporate image like everyone else’s is?
1.Change the time to military. Not only will be people be confused when they borrow your phone for the time, they’ll also start seeing you as “counterculture” and a “mysterious outsider.”
2. Buy an ironic case for your iPhone (if you don’t have an iPhone, make getting one step 1.) Examples of these ‘ironic’ cases include: the back of an iPhone, a cassette tape, a cat with glasses, and a triangle, preferably with some sort of starry/galaxy background or wilderness.
3. Whenever in public, make sure someone sees you checking Pitchfork.
4. Never use Siri.
5. Don’t have any of those, “mainstream” apps like Facebook and Twitter. Instagram is okay, but not as required anymore.
6. For the more advanced, consider strategically timing reminders like: “remember to pick up artesian soaps from Sal” and “finish making your artesian guitar picks and grab your locally made, artesian guitar to play at an auction supporting the preservation of the Amazon and the Artisans of America organization.” Note: it doesn’t matter if you actually do these things, or are even acquainted with someone named Sal. What’s important is people think you are.
Follow these simple tips and in no time your iPhone will escape the masses of its standardized, conformist brethren, and you along with it will undergo a deep, meaningful and revealing personal growth that stemmed from buying cases imported from Shanghai on Amazon.